Chronic Illness Is A Fuck

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I Hate Being Invisible And Taking Up Space

There's a metaphor in here somewhere

I guess I can just start with an overview so that people know what's going on with me roughly as well as I do

I have a formal diagnosis of IBS, speculative diagnosis of Crohns. Gut rot as I affectionately refer to it. I won't go in to graphic detail about it but I will say that it's been an issue for so long and so much that I finally became unable to walk about 4 years ago due to just sheer pain of friction (if you know, you know). But that's only abut a third of my problem. The wear and tear involved with the underlying condition caused a fissure that bleeds consistently, and I am pretty anemic as a result. Additionally (as if that weren't enough) I deal with debilitating stomach cramps and we're not sure why. They double me over and I'm not able to move around. The doctors prescribed me a pain medication that makes me only slightly more funtional but its a pretty serious deleriant so it is only very slightly more functional.

As you can imagine this has a pretty profound affect on my life and my function. I spend most of my time bed-bound. The state granted me a full-time, live-in caretaker a few years ago; A friend and partner that I care for deeply currently occupies the role but someday that will have to change. I haven't worked in 3 years really, a little here and there. Some comission art, and i make a little on patreon for posting my various things to the internet but nowhere near enough to sustain myself. The icing on the cake is that my diet has been significantly limited. I'm basically stuck on the low fodmap diet while avoiding some other trigger foods that correspond more to crohns sensitivities. It's difficult to make things that aren't bland.

The future is uncertain exactly but its unlikely I improve. I've recently had surgery that reduced the pain of walking but there are other barriers involved with prolonged walking. The symptoms that took away my ability to walk are likely to occur again in a matter of years unless i go for more surgical intervention which is a grueling process. I'm also not certain how many times I can actually get this particular surgery either. at any rate repetitive surgery doesnt seem sustainable in the long run.

That about sums it up i think. I'll continue to add updates here as things progress

UPDATE

It's June now...I think I wrote the previous post in february? my surgery was even earlier than that, October I beleive? I guess maybe I don't have as much time on my feet as I thought I would. What little success there was from surgery has been undone, the fissure has returned and with it will come all the problems that existed before. If I had to guess I would say I would be back to not walking much by the end of the year.

I'm trying not to be too frustrated about this. Mostly I am not actively thinking about it but I have moments of forced awareness that I percieve as quite dark and when I dwell on it I start getting that feeling that prompts me to take my anxiety meds.