July 11th, 2024

a quick catch up as I've been failing to post lately. The crime drama dreamline continues, but only on occasion. It is almost as if there were a parallel universe running. Same setting, different timeline. Or perhaps I'm simply not thinking about it when I'm busy doing other dream things. At any rate they're all pretty generic dreams at this point, no remarkable details worth mentioning. Still unpleasant but not so immersive anymore.

Last nights dream was not focused on avoiding incarceration, in fact its one of the most peaceful dreams I've had in a long time. Something I'm doing is working I think, either with this or with my daily life.

Imagine a movie set, warehouse, room with a stage, now put a room (lets say 20' x 25') inside that room. The main set has trees and foliage all around to look like a forest. The inner room has large cutout windows, one of them with no glass. The shower is against the far wall of the inner room (opposite the entrance), here are two shower heads embedded in the ceiling that are activated by a pressure plate in the floor. There is no wash basin the shower just drains in to the floor. When you are on the pressure plate there is thunder and lightning fx going on. The floors are beautiful green marble tiles, the walls are painted a gorgeous forest green and there's lots of fake foliage inside as well. Dark wooden fixtures with brass hardware. I wanted to spend forever there.

I've been in there before but I didn't really comprehend it the first time. It was somebody else's (One of my art mentors. May she rest in peace.) bathroom the first time and I was maybe not supposed to be in there. now that she's passed I'm allowed to be in there and enjoy myself. I will certainly take some inspiration from this in decorating my present bathroom which isnt nearly as fancy, but I digress. I think regarding this as a sign to invest in my self-care would at least not be harmful.

June 6th, 2024

The story continues, to my dismay. I spent this dream trying to erase evidence that had to do with the murder, scrubbing certain posts from social media or deciding not to because that footprint would look incriminating, peeking over my shoulder always to make sure nobody was watching. staying away from areas of the school which might connect me to my crime.

There's not much more detail than that. A lot of running and hiding, so to speak.

June 4th, 2024

I had a good stretch where I wasn't remembering dreams or wasnt having dreams for the last month and some change. Thus the lack of entries between this and the April 1st post. I will take this period of peace to mean that I'm on to something with this blog, and devoting some extra time to processing these thing in waking life may be allowing my brain to stop trying to process things in my sleep. There were, I think, some half-written entries that were lost between machines due to my personal disorganization but they were not really all that notable. I do, however, have a novel update for you now.

I'm in the midst of a move, it's a positive move and not very time sensitive but my body is stressed out nonetheless which I think has caused a spike in my dreaming. For 6 days continuously I was forced to live out a storyline where I had committed a murder in self defense. Each dream correlated to one full day in dream city. Day 1 was spent hiding from the authorities as well as my fellows, after the murder. I beleive that man I killed was an officer of the law but there is some uncertainty about that in my mind. Either way the Dreaming Me feels justified. Day 2, I learned that despite many people being certain that I had comitted this crime there was not enough evidence to connect me to the scene. I stayed mostly away from folks but had to go to school. My group of friends mostly had my back but others were cold or outright hostile to me. Day 3, People at school began trying to find other ways to reinforce my character flaws. Crusading on about certain kinks that I have, trying to bait me in to revealing those things about myself in company who wouldn't approve. Days 4 and 5 were similar to this, though the opposition was losing steam and negative interactions had settled in to quiet scowls and upturned noses. I spent most of time away from the school, I think day 5 was a friday, though it seemed people would congregate at school on the weekends anyway. Day 6 was full of energy, things were mostly back to normal however I somehow ascended in popularity overnight, certain people began to approach me with admiration. An authority figure (whom I will leave unnamed) approached me ...for a certain kind of gratification...which I obliged in full view of the current cafeteria denizens.

Day 6 was probably 4 days ago, I have a hard time tracking more than a week or two. I've had other dreams since then but I can't remember any details from them, more than likely that story line will fizzle out and things will just return to their baseline state or some other event will distract me and I will forget this happened.

April 1st, 2024

((This is not an April Fools post, I assure you.)) This dream was themed around travel. I was tasked with leaving a friend's house and heading to my own place, the Tin Mansion/Sheetmetal Mansion. I will omit the friends name but it was a long time childhood friend whom I grew apart from due to political differences. The distance was unmanageable on foot, but I was determined to make it. It was snowy on top of that. I recall leaving, standing on the front lawn of this small suburban home. My friends father was sitting in his truck which was running and looked warm, although the temperature wasn't bothering me. I've never considered the path between these places in waking life, apparently it involves going over the pass (high mountain road which allows you from one side to another) I was stopped along this way and picked up by the aforementioned man in his truck and taken back to my friends house. He was all gentle smiles as he drove me home. I went inside to tell him I might be staying overnight because the roads were too bad to be able to make it, and found my friend, very young, hanging out in a onsie with his younger sister only now they seemed about the same age or his sister was older, it was hard to tell. There was a warm ambrace with his mother when she recognized I was in her home, a person who had forbade me from her space several times over in real life. After this I eneded up in a whimsical, if not drab transit station situated by the ocean. A little too close to the ocean perhaps, as I saw a very large crowd of folks waiting for a train endure small waves that lapped at their ankles and threw people off balance. The people here looked disheveled beyond having been battered with water, people wore plastic bags on their heads, their clothes were sun faded, torn, ill-fitting, and mismatched. There was a depresssion era vibe about it. The last thing I recall is trying to get a view out the windows without interior guests in the way, so i could snap a photo of what would surely be a profound scene by future standards.

March 14th, 2024

My dreams have been active but not worth noting when I'm able to remember them. I'm glad to be in a spot where I can get some halfway decent rest. The only recurring thing I'm able to pull from the last few weeks is a kind man. He has the energy of a trusted authority figure, or perhaps a coworker. He's usually trying to help me with something, I can never tell what it is though. Sometimes he seems disappointed and might be reprimanding me but its in the way of trying to give guidance. I seem to respect him. I think he has a beard and his eyes are very soft.

Feb 28th, 2024

I frequently have dreams where I'm being kicked out of various places I've lived in. The logic of this recurring motif is obvious, as I've been kicked out of many homes for various reasons. Addiction sucks, it's a whole thing. Non-visible disability is a whole thing also. Go figure, I have traumas from being kicked while I was at low points in my life. What's more notable in this instance is that this time there were a pair of twins enforcing this rule and they were kicking me out of everywhere, even my tent. I tried to yell and fight, to no avail. They would kill me, I'd wake up. I fell back in to the dream, found a peice of rebar and decided I was going to really try hurting these guys; I am tired of not being able to defend myself in my dreams and these guys are gonna be my first example of gaining that ability. Things did not turn out that way. I tested the rebar and it dented very easily. I resolved to use the rebar anyway, however when I tried to use it it didn't do much more than an ordinary stick of similar proportion. I repeated this process of dying and waking and returning to the dream probably 5 times over. On the last entry I was being pulled away from that reality by my parents, and being placed in the back of my mothers minivan which was sold over a decade ago. I was young again, probably 13, and this was what some might see as an idylic version of my parents. Ones who never got divorced, who were younger and emotionally healthier. I didn't preceive them as idylic beyond hindsight (granted I think that's too uncanny to be an ideal version and I dont have strong feelings about my parents ageing; natural processes are natural.), I saw them as just my parents. I very much took for granted that this was deeply opposed to the reality of that age for me. I find its insignificance to be of significance. I digres. I was buckled in between my siblings and an overwhleming sense of claustrophobia came over me, I could not stand to be between them. I complained about needing to go to the bathroom hoping to shorten the ride but my resolve failed almost instantly and I began pulling against my restraints. I think I got free just as I woke up, or I just woke up, I'm not sure.

Feb 23rd, 2024

I guess I must have made a friend in my dream at some point, or several. I might remember when but that's a story for another post, though I will say for the real world time comparison; I must have started visiting this place around the time I quit smoking cigarettes. There's this apartment I end up in sometimes, almost always to party. It's occupied by a handful of people, who's names I do not know at all, many of them are fem, a few nonbinary. I'd guess that there's 6 peaople living in this two floor apartment. Like I said, I come here to party mostly, I wont go in to detail but there are naturally...elicit substances involved. I'm not sure if its my own perception of this is actually true but the vibes in this place feel complicated and stressful. I like these people but they are very catty towards me. One of them, a thin, tall, blonde seems to have adopted me in the iconic infantilizing "trans bestie" archetype (fellow trans readers will probably understand what I mean here provided they transitioned in a clinical environment like a school, if you dont get it then ask one of them.) and takes a lot of opportunities to kind of tear me down. I'm eternally having the moment of "wait are they talking about me like I'm not here or am I reading in to this?". I think its probably a manifestation of my social anxiety, so not worth reading in to it too much in that sense. There wasn't much particularly out of the ordinary in this dream; hazy focus, weird and complicated social vibes. The thing that did stand out was that this time the "help" that would be used to normally tear me down felt very genuine. I'm curious about the physical location of this building. It's in a metropolitan area, near the mall ( I should dedicate a post to describing the mall probably) but that's all I know about it. I usually arrive by vehicle or timeskip. The apartment itself looks non-euclydian but I dont think it actually is, I think its just unusual to see an apartment building of juxtaposed units with a bottom row of town houses with other apartments on top of them, at least where I'm from.

January 30th, 2024

I dream about ghosts frequently. I was an avid believer as a child, I would find them everywhere. Now I just try not to think about it and convince myself I'm just mentally ill.

I dont recall the larger context, I was with some people in a lobby in the mall, near the school. This particular hallway reminds me of a videogame home base looking out in to open sky with a yellow handrail to keep people from going over.

I was holding something, I'm not sure what but it had some kind of flap/hinge on it. I became aware of the ghost. Rather than hide, flee, convince myself it isn't real, etc., I challenge it to change the lights. The ghost instead begins to rapidly flip the hinge in my hand at which point I become even more resolute. I want to annoy it but I'm also terrified because I know it will hurt me. I repeat over and over, trying to escalate the energy of the conflict "hey, hey, hey, hey, hey" to communicate I know its there, I am this close to witnessing it. Apparently I was also saying this with my sleeping body as it was enough to prompt my partner to wake me. I feel intense fear on waking, more so than when I was asleep, though it fades inversely to my rising awareness.

Feb 9th, 2024

Collectathons

I can't recall many details about my dreams lately, theres a recurring image of a stern man with a beard (nobody i recognize). Mostly I'm having collectathon dreams, a term I use for when I spend most of my time gathering objects and putting them in to bags in my dreams. I have these dreams very frequently, most often gathering items I've lost over my lifetime or daily ritual objects like my hand mirror or hair brush and placing them in a big military surplus pack, the kind with the back frame. I had one of those when I was homeless. Sometimes I put stuff in to a rectangular suitcase made out of some kind of tweed material, its more yellow than green. I have never owned or interacted with this suitcase in waking life.

January 28th, 2024

I carried a barret .50 caliber rifle around. I shot some dummy targets. I intimidated someone who bullied me. I did it again. I took the rifle to school. They didn't care that I had it, but I was concerned that I didn't know how to unchamber the round that was in it. I went to the bathroom. The bathroom is like a warehouse room tucked in to a theatre in a mall. It's full of stalls (both full and half height) in addition to a truly excessive amount of pipes and handrails that weave in and out of eachother. I could see out of the bathroom door in to a hall way. A man who reminded me of Jake Morgendorfer from the cartoon show Daria was walking the halls as a form of pennance to me, I'm not sure what for but I got the impression that I had ordered him to do so. I chastised him for eating snacks while walking, speaking loudly and sarcastically around the corner of the door. I heard him get exasperated and he threw his snack in to the trash.

The dream ends.

I have a recurring dream that I'm hunted for sport at the family gathering.

I dream about fish a lot. Like an unusual amount.

Usually its about being in big bodies of natural water with lots of fish. I usually touch them.

Not always, but sometimes, and only ever in the first half of the dream, I will interact with fish tanks.

There is also an aquarium in the recurring setting. It's in a little faux tropical hut in the middle of a lake. There's a spiral staircase down the center that opens in to a much larger facility. I hang out in the gift shop a lot.

I get the impression that the cashier doesn't like me but feels sorry for me. I get the impression she is overworked.